A Day in the Life: Navigating Being Single

Being single sucks.

There I said it. It’s not for me. While I do not need to jump into any relationship, I absolutely detest not being part of a duo. Because frankly, there is nothing better than being a part of a duo. A duo that you can kiss, hug, send mushy cards to, vent, rant, sit through horrible family gatherings, laugh about the most mundane of things and well just share your day to day activities or thoughts with. In my opinion duos rule! There is a big difference between the fact that I do not NEED to be in another relationship and the fact that I LIKE to be in one. I love being in love. I love taking care of someone and being their rock. I love having that sidekick.

These months and months and months (hahahah) of being single are honestly the best teacher. I am learning an exorbitant amount about myself, my traits in relationships and what I want. I am also having fun. Reuniting with alot of my girlfriends that I forsake because my focus and energy were solely on my relationship. I feel happy. I am happy(er). But gosh darn it sometimes I just want someone to share that with. After a rambunctious night out at a fashion event with friends it would be nice to be able to rehash details with a significant other. Or better yet that all too awesome feeling of someone waiting up for you to make sure you are in ok or even waiting for you at your place. Damnit, I am a relationship girl but I refuse to jump into another. I am taking my time and fighting all my urges. Because truth be told, I really need to take a chill pill on “always” being “boo’d” up anyway. I need to be ménage a troising my 9-5 professional development and growing my Comme Coco brand.

Relationships are not easy. Heck, a relationship with the CURRENT me is not easy. While I am a work in progress, I still display many of the traits that cause alot of my relationships to go sour. That constant need for reassurance and attention (but only from the one you want it from) is a killer. A relationship killer because 9 out of 10 men cannot keep up. To be honest, if the tables were turned, I would not be able to keep up either. This is my biggest flaw and why I need to keep my silly behind single…. ahhhh but the allure of being a part of duo! I digress!

Yesterday I read an article that blew half of my mind. Although most of the concepts have been taught, there were some key parts that had me furiously nodding in tune to the rhythm of my reading. I was THAT girl on the Marc train with the occasional “sooo true” or “Sheesh, that’s me” exclamation. But……… I don’t want to be THAT girl.

Who is that girl? The chick who meets someone, thinks they are cute, has a couple great conversations and maybe one or two fun interactions together and is thinking they may be “The One”. And by “The One”, I dont mean marriage but the one that beats out the others when it comes to where you devote your energy and focus. I do this and I do this alot. I lack the self discipline to be patient and let any relationship (friendship or romantic) naturally meld into what its meant to be. I go hard and I tend to put my heavy foot on the accelerator and fly down that highway without a thought about my destination. In many aspects, this is great. But in dating, this is the kiss of death. Hence why most of these “dating” relationships I enter never go very far. To be fair to myself, I lose interest quickly. Especially if I had to talk myself into liking you. And I do that. Heck, we have all done that. You meet the guy who you SHOULD like but they lack that certain je ne sais quoi but you try it on to see how it fits anyway. Guess what, they rarely, if ever fit. Then there is the guy who you know you SHOULDN’T like but you are drawn like a moth to a hot ass flame. Those guys almost always burn you. I have been burned time and time again and have the battle scars to prove it. Those scars constitute the material of the fence around my heart.

I would never sit here and say I have not broken a few hearts. I have and I am NOT proud of it. Especially my most recent ex. I definitely did him and myself wrong. I was low down dirty as many of us have probably been at one point in our lives. To err is human but I will be damned if I ever make those poor choices again. I have learned and I am and will be a better person because of it. I also am immersing myself in the old adage “If its meant to be, it will be”. We clearly were not meant to be as much as I may have wanted a different ending. It happens. You pick yourself up and you take the few steps towards moving forward. I rarely say moving on because moving on just doesn’t hold the same positivity to me.

I have a solid group of uber successful, beautiful, educated, funny and athletic female friends. We all pretty much kick ass and take names but….. we are all single. We are single without a chance of a solid partner in sight. We are single, some by choice (forced choice but a choice) and some because we just cannot find someone great. We are single because we are givers. You may think, whats wrong with that in this selfish dating metropolis? It must be a breath of fresh air for these men to meet us. But its not. It is not them, its us and how we give. Yes, we give and give and give and rarely take. Well let me rephrase… we do take. We take alot of excuses. We take and accept minimal effort. We take ourselves quickly out of the running of being wanted because we give too much. I would never tell anyone to change their nurturing or unselfish ways but more so stop handing it out so freely. I for one love making people happy and smile. That is just me on a regular basis. Imagine me having a solid interest in a man with that trait. Yup, you guessed. I over do it and I give until I am blue in the face and feeling depleted. I do not let the right men work for my time. But damn let it be a a man I am not THAT interested in and that dude is going through an obstacle course just to get a text response from me.  Its rare that someone I like, likes me back. So when the stars align, I forego all common sense and put my all into that person. And let me tell you… I am a straight up FOOL for that. This all goes back to that lack of self discipline in this game of love.

Liking someone is a feeling. A feeling we put far too much emphasis on. Heck, I know that I do. I go all goo-goo ga- ga because someone says “I like you.”. Yeah its a rush at first and makes you feel all tingly inside but what happens after that 5 minute high wears off? Guess what? You are right back to a million questions in your head. Like is a feeling. That is it. Without action, quality time, and true getting to know each other, like does not mean squat. Frankly, like most feelings, “like” will lose its power. So I am making a pledge to myself to stop being excited because a man I “like” seems to “like” me back. I no longer want feelings without actions. Words mean nothing to me. Heck these words I am writing right now mean nothing if I do not start implementing them. As I put my faults out there for the world to see, I pray this is the catalyst needed for me to tweak my dating persona.

In the end, as much as I don’t want to be single, it is what is necessary for my life right now. Yes, I want Prince Charming or even Prince Consistent but what I gather from my moments of introspection is that I am not consistently working on myself. I still am focused on what I may not have and the times I feel “opposite sex” withdrawal. And those come, ALOT.

Oh the trials and tribulations of navigating being single.