Freedom vs Relationships

Dating. Commitment. Relationship.

I fear yet love them all. I have been a serial long term relationship girl for as long as I can remember. I always went from one boyfriend to another. I can sit here all day and tell you its because I “love” love but in the end it is because I dont like to be consistently alone. I love being part of a twosome. I love having that partner I can count on to be home with or to go out with. It is something I find very perplexing within myself because I adore my alone time. I love living alone. I enjoy dining alone. I even frequent movies alone without a thought to it but I still find myself jumping from relationship to relationship.

As many of you who follow me on social media or read this blog know, my last long term relationship failed. Miserably. I spent most of last year harping on the fact that I caused its failure but in fact if I am truly honest with myself, it was not going to last. I made the mistakes and poor choices that were the catalyst for an ending but we had been failing for months and months and months. Don’t get me wrong. I loved him and his son dearly. I still have an immense amount of love for them and probably always will. But he was not the one for me. And honestly after I hurt him, I believe I saw his true character and well it just does not mesh well with what I need in my life.  We had MAJOR differences and completely different outlooks on love, life, religion, parenting etc…  I wanted it to work because I liked/loved him so much. I wanted it to work so I bent. I bent until I think I became resentful. Not of him but of myself. I didn’t like the person I was. But he seemed at first to like that person so I stayed being her. Please do not get me wrong. This is not an ex bashing session because there were aspects that were phenomenal. He was a calming force in my life and taught me responsibility. Being with him taught me priorities and how to love a child unconditionally that is not your biological. Because of this relationship, I can easily be in a blended family without a single problem or insecurity. Because of him I have a much better understanding of who I am. Because of him I see my flaws crystal clear and am better able to explain them and work on them. Because of him and this situation, I know my strength and darn, I am powerful. Just a few months ago or even a month ago I would not have believed that about myself. The situation and he at times driven by his hurt and anger, tried very hard to break me and I almost did. I tried hard to do everything he asked during that break up period and I hated myself even more during it. I lost myself in the relationship and I felt like a LOST cause during the extremely emotionally and verbally stressful end.   But unfortunately, he in the end was not for me and I am definitely not for him. This is a revelation that has taken over a year to realize, admit and acknowledge. Every single one of my long term committed relationships were doomed to fail because I never felt free. It was never about being free to cheat (even though I did). Or free to do whatever I wanted. It was that feeling of freedom that comes from someone loving you AS YOU ARE and that feeling of freedom that can only manifest when you love yourself AS YOU ARE! I have never experienced that in any relationship. But I know the next commitment I enter will be my absolute last one. Why? Because I will be ready to enter it whole, or as whole as a human can possibly be.

When I am in a relationship, I tend to change. Well we all do but I adapt HEAVILY to my significant others life. I tend to forget what my likes and dislikes are and mold into what I believe will make them happy. And guess what they are only happy for a short bit because once I become unhappy (because of all this neglecting my own interests Im doing), I can wreak havoc on anyone’s bliss. The lesson from this….. be happy with yourself, be confident in yourself before you share a life with anyone. No matter how much you may like them or want them. Its better to remain friends and hang out while you get your “ish” together rather than hurt them down the line and lose them forever. Trust me, I know.

Now that I am back in the dating game, I realize that I have to actively work on standing my ground. With myself. I know what my interests are. I know what my favorite things to do are. I know what makes me smile and what ticks me off. I also know what I want out of life. Of course in any relationship you have to be willing to compromise a little. I am very willing to do that. But I am not willing to sacrifice myself for it.

When I saw the quote in the picture above, it prompted me to write this. It was almost an “aha” moment for me. I am an avid Sex and the City watcher. It is and will forever be my favorite show. I always gravitated towards Carrie. I did not want to, but that character is me. One of my guy friends told me once “The right man for you, Jen, will let you do all your fun and wild things and laugh along with you but be there to protect you if need be”. Before anyone takes this incorrectly, what he was saying is that I am an incredibly spirited person. I act goofy. I like pranks. I love to laugh. I love socializing and I also love being at home. Basically in a nutshell, I love to enjoy all aspects of life and I need a partner that is willing to do that with me. He doesn’t have to partake in my goofiness but he will be there to laugh with me while allowing me to be ME. It was just like Carrie before Mr. Big got married to Natasha. She stated,

“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them.

And that is the absolute truth about me. I do not want to be tamed. I want to be loved for all that I bring to the table.

And do not take the quote too literally. I do not need someone as wild as me but someone who is ok with my wildness as long as I respect him and our relationship. Someone who sees my quirks as beautiful instead of as personality attributes that need to be changed.

I am an incredibly well rounded woman and one day I will make the right man, the happiest xy chromosome having individual in the world. And he in turn will make me happiest because he will be loving me for ME!