I hate being pregnant.
There I said it. Let all the shamers come out of the woodworks now.
No, but seriously, I loathe every single moment of being pregnant. I want my baby healthy and happy but I truly feel as if Hyperemesis Gravidarum has robbed me of even feeling any sort of elation during pregnancy. I try, yall, I try daily. Every single night I tell myself that tomorrow will be a great day. I don’t wish it, I just put it out there in the universe and maybe 1 out 20 times it actually happens. Trust and believe I am grateful for that 1 time.
It is currently 11:32 pm on a Friday night and I am typing this in order to distract myself from the rage, anger, sadness, and pain I feel. Some associated with typical pregnancy symptoms like heartburn and restless leg syndrome and others because of HG. I cannot really text anyone because they will try to cheer me up and it never works and Jermaine needs some mental space from listening to my complaints.
I know the last few of my posts have been about this pregnancy but it has kinda taken over my life and I always promised that this blog would be authentic in the sense of me talking about what is on my mind and heart. I could easily run down a list of the best fall trends or how to take cute pregnancy photos (cause these ARE cute) but that’s not me and not why yall read my posts. Those may come but for now….. this is what I need to write about. Amiright?
I hate being pregnant
Before any of you have something to say, it is perfectly natural and ok to not enjoy something. It does not mean that you won’t be happy with the results or the lesson at the end but it just means the journey is taxing and taking away from you. Thus making you hate it.
It’s funny because this photoshoot was for a campaign with Arundel Mills. About 15 minutes before we left the house for the pumpkin patch, I vomited pretty hard. I had to halt doing my makeup so that I could have my head in the toilet throwing up whatever minuscule food I had eaten that day along with stomach acids and bile. The crazy thing, I am so used to vomiting daily that my only thoughts during that 1.5 minutes revolved around “I hope I don’t pop another blood vessel in my eye” and “Ohhhh don’t let the mascara run”.
But guess what? You would never know about the vomiting because I am smiling and smizing throughout every pic. Why? Because I am professional. Sike– because I am clearly a glutton for punishment.
I am still breaking my back and my will by shooting campaigns and working with brands because I know that I need to take at least 4 months of maternity leave and I know that I do not have paid maternity leave. I do get my 6 weeks of short term disability but that is it. Things have to be paid during that time and I do not want any added stress aside from “is the baby hungry and ok”.
I hate being pregnant.
Why? Because so many expect you to just endure whatever with a smile on your face and no complaints from your mouth because it is such a beautiful thing. Well no sh–t, it’s a beautiful thing but even the most beautiful things in the world have their bad parts. Ever prick your finger on a thorn on a rose?
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I hate being pregnant.
And no amount of trying to push positivity, Bible verses, fear, or spiritual quotes will change that. It is what it is and you will accept it.
The one thing about this pregnancy though……
It has changed me forever. I don’t know if it is for the good or bad but I am changed. FOREVER. I am learning valuable lessons through this and I’m grateful for those lessons. But it will never ever change the fact that I hate being pregnant. It will never change the fact that I will not do this again. As someone with a decently high tolerance of pain, this pregnancy has dropped me to my knees begging for relief too many times to count.
This baby will be loved beyond measure but this pregnancy will always be loathed. And that’s it folks!
p.s. The baby only reacts to Jermaine’s voice. Baby Maull is already a hater.
p.s.s. I am so thankful to be able to release everything here. Jermaine is the only person to really allow me to vent without any pep talk attached. That man KNOWS me like no other!!!
Queen, I understand everything you’re saying WHOLEHEARTEDLY! You are entitled to feel anyway you want no one is carrying this baby but YOU! During my pregnancy, I didn’t glow. It wasn’t magical. I was sick everday and dehydrated to the point of hospitalization hence I have 1 child who is 22 and I never wanted to be pregnant again!
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Thank you Niki! I feel your pain and Im so happy you got past it and have a wonderful kid. I will be the same. One and done!
I dont know what it is like to have this condition. I only puked twice during my pregnancy. Once because I was crying and the other because I gagged on tooth paste. I do know you are very fortunate to have Jermaine there by your side. When you have the father of yoir child there with you you habe a feeling of a complete closed circle. My circle was not complete. It was shaped like a horse shoe. All the energy flowed out of both ends instead of connecting. I went through my pregnancy all alone. The father was MIA. My days were spent crying. I was afraid that my emotions would negatively affect by baby. I remember my 2 year old patting me on the back while telling me it will be ok. I didnt settle into my pregnancy until late. My pregnancy was nothing like I imagined. I had no one to fix a bowl of ice cream or help me when my car broke down in the road. The pregnancy experience is not cookie cutter for everyone. Trust and believe when you hear that first cry and smell that newborn scent you will be so amazed to realize the calm after the storm.
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Thank you so much Angela for sharing. I really appreciate it and Im so sorry you went through all of this alone. It is so unfair! Im hoping in the next 88 days I start to feel more elation towards it. Im just ready for a healthy baby that is out of me lol. I am thnkful for J oh so much! Thank you for reading and for sharing
Jen, this is one of the REALEST post ever! Do you….feel how you feel…..many other women feel the same exact way but don’t have the guts to speak the truth. This was well written and easy to digest. It’s YOUR truth….and all we can do is wait and support you for the next few months….and pray for a healthy MOM and BABY.
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Thank you Nyree. I was stuck for so long on a blog post and then Friday I was just so sad and just decided to let it flow. I apprecaite you welcoming me!
Giving voice and view into this world and moment in your life is brave and appreciated. I commend you for your honesty and staying true to maintaining your authentic voice. Sending you love and light!
You look great. Thanks for sharing the bad and good of your current life journey!
Author
Thank you for reading so much. I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.