I’m a fraud and this is why

It’s 11:34am on Sunday. CNN is playing in the background, Teagan is laying on my lap and I just finished a conversation with my sorority sister and great friend. Because I don’t get notifications, I missed a “checking in” message from my good friend about the violent mob at the Capitol that she sent to myself and another friend of ours (well not mine anymore) on Facebook.

I just read it today and feel compelled to write this post.

Our mutual acquaintance, Stephanie B, a realtor in DC responded with how if she wasn’t currently pregnant she would have been there and how this wouldn’t be happening if the election had been fair.

Like what?!?!? I mean this girl has been problematic for a while but this was beyond shocking. This is an educated woman working for a firm that specializes in high end and fine properties here in Washington DC, who is so blinded by her own privilege that she couldn’t see how wrong what happened at the Capitol is and was. This is a woman that I lived with in college and was very close with. A woman that others despised but I went to bat for time and time again. Even in college, she said racist things while pining after a Black guy (in her words not like Black black) but I and others let it go.

And this is where I and they failed. I helped create the monster that she is.

I let things go. I allowed her comments to go because she was my friend. I tried to understand where it was coming from. Her grandmother was extremely racist (after the Detroit riots I believe) and it just trickled down. But racism is a choice. So no more passes.

I don’t want this post to focus on her and instead on me and others who don’t speak up when those in our circle show their true colors or do or say things that are problematic. We are at fault. We cannot sit here and denounce racism and hate publicly but not privately. That’s where it is the hardest and we are frauds if we don’t.

Yes, I’m calling myself a fraud. Just like those in Trump’s camp, some Republican officials, and the media are at fault for allowing this man to continue spewing hate, we are at fault within our own smaller lives. When we like someone or have a personal relationship we offer many chances or distract ourselves by remembering all the times they helped you or the memories shared. When we like someone, we see ourselves in them and going against them hurts. It also forces us to look in the mirror.

Well, I have the mirror pulled up close and I am examining every single inch of my emotional and mental core.

Hate just like love spreads. We MUST be strong enough and confident in saying “no I will not allow this”. We must be strong enough to walk away. It is hard but if we don’t, our world will continue to be where it is. We must ostracize those who want to continue down this path of destruction. These thoughts and actions are destructive.

Right now I am struggling with folks very close to me. A few months ago I had to unfriend members of a family that were “my family”. It was so hard for me and I received backlash (even from my own mom) but I had to. I was told that we cannot distance ourselves from folks just because they voted differently. Or that we have to respect them because they are nice people. But that’s not it. This is not about politics by any means. I’m not a democrat and I’m not a Republican. I’m a right vs wrong person. Trump has always been the latter and they didn’t condemn him but instead made excuses for him so I had to walk away. A man who my father considered his best friend, a man who looked after my mom, a man who cried at my Dad’s funeral turned around and started calling Black people Negroes and libtards and spewing lies about the Black Lives Matter movement. I recognize it’s just weakness and insecurity on his part but again no more excuses. I had to walk away.

Letting go of them in my social media was an agonizingly hard step for me. You all are reading this and probably thinking “wait, you Jen?!?! You are always so steadfast on what is right and speaking up” and yes I try to but it’s hard also for me to call out those I’m close with.

For instance, my cousin’s husband did not vote for Biden. I don’t know for sure if he voted for Trump and I’m terrified to find out. Why? Because I like him and I know that will change if I find out he decided that his finances or party affiliation or whatever was stronger than anything else. So instead I shy from asking or even facing the truth. That is me being a coward and me being a fraud.

So I’m working on this.

But need to work faster and harder because I see the devastating consequences of not doing so.

I blame book publishers for history books that are inaccurate or change the narrative to Whitewash it for what is happening. I blame teachers who continue a biased curriculum. The Blue wall or code of silence. I blame we, Black folks who went to PWI and just stayed silent or uncomfortably laughed along with the really inappropriate jokes and comments. Media using Freedom of Speech to spew lies. The fear of being fired or ostracized for speaking up is to blame. White folks who state they aren’t prejudiced but happily sit and hang with those that are. These name a few.

I write this to remind everyone that silence is dangerous. Right now we have to pick between right or wrong. Those are the choices. If someone doesn’t think what happened at the Capitol was wrong and makes excuses for it— they are wrong and they are on the side of violence. On so many levels. I do struggle with this within my network and at work also. While I do speak up at work, I hold no power and thus my words go through one ear and out the other. Every single day I have to read the consequences of staying silent on the social media pages that I manage. It is hard. It eats at my soul because I fully agree with what is being written but my hands are tied.

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This is why I like having my own platform. One where I can control what is posted and take a stand. I’m an influencer (even though I hate that term) and I believe I have a duty to share reality and to educate. This whole I don’t like to speak on “this and that” is a cop-out to me. The whole “oh in order to protect my peace I don’t speak on this or that” is a cop-out IF you are still posting on other frivolous matters. Protect your peace and just bow out completely of posting then, please. I am not here to ever bully anyone to do anything but I’m happy to explain and raise awareness.

At the end of the day, the choice is ALWAYS yours.

I’m tired of my own wishy-washiness and I am calling myself out. The confidence I spew left and right about everything else needs to be strong in this case too. Otherwise, I will continue being a fraud and I will be damned if this is the mother I am for Teagan.

If you are or feel like me maybe this will help you as well. 2021 is the year we stop making excuses for others and for ourselves. We must walk in our truth and realize that other’s truth, if ugly, doesn’t have to be a part of our world. We have the right to walk away and never look back.

Just because a White person is your friend does not mean they are not racist. You could very well be the excuse they put in their head as to why they are not racist. I mean. Do you want to be the White friend in their “but I have Black friends” reasoning.

No more allowing problematic people to be problems solely because we don’t want to be seen as the problem for speaking up.

Pants | Sweater | Glasses | Coat other options: 1 2 3 4 | Lipstick | Photographer | Camera Used | Lens Used |Yellow Bag

Bought the entire outfit minus the bag while in Florida over holiday break. The coat is from Burlington and is the heaviest and softest faux fur coat I have ever put on my body. The sunglases were from the Vans Outlet and cost 2 bucks. The pants I found at Bloomingdales for under 30 dollars and the sweater is from the HM outlet. I really love this minimalist outfit and really love how my husband photographed it. I let him do his thing and he. did. the. damn. thing!

Total outfit cost to me: $97.80 but I sure do look expensive huh? lol