Losing a Loved One

This is my story about losing a loved one….
It is officially my 34th birthday and I am beyond sad. I always claimed myself THE birthday girl. I literally thought my birthday was the best day on the planet and I celebrated for a week straight. For someone who really is not a selfish or entitled person, I turned/turn into a spoiled brat on March 2 of every single year. I expect balloons and presents and songs and adulation for the whole entire week. Yes I was that girl.

This year… I feel nothing but blackness. A blackness that only comes from losing a loved one. I have been dreading my birthday for the last couple of weeks. I know it may not seem so from my incessant Facebook posts and blog posts with my wish lists and the presents I hoped to receive but honestly it is a distraction or a cover. All I want for my birthday is my grandmother back and I know it will never happen. I will never hear her sing “On va couper le gateau de Jenni” again. I will not hear “Joyeuse Anniversaire” again from her mouth. And frankly that shit hurts. Yes I am cursing and yes you will have to deal with it.

People grieve in their own ways and yes it is a process. A very, long and ARDUOUS process. A process that I do not wish on anyone. When you are truly connected and close to another human being, having their physical presence ripped from your life causes you to evaluate and reevaluate. It causes you to really take the words “life is short” to a whole new level. It makes your brain realize you have to fulfill every dream and goal and go after all of your passions. Unfortunately your heart screams something else. Your heart screams how can I find happiness in the most unhappy of times.

Losing my grandmother so suddenly has truly killed something in me. 2 years ago I went through a very, very hard break up and nearly a mental breakdown from the mental and physical abuse that was part of that break up. I picked myself up from the very depths of depression and had one of my best years ever following it. And then my beloved Vivie died. The woman I have had in my life, MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! She was not just a grandma I visited on holidays and summer vacations, This woman basically raised me. This woman taught me what strength and power comes from. And trust me– I am doing my absolute best to channel it now but my heart is literally broken. My life is SHATTERED!

There are so many what ifs that go through my head. I truly believe with all of my heart and soul that her doctor gave up on her. I feel like the medical field just decided that she was 97 and they were not going to give her any “extra” medical care. She went quickly and I do believe her death was NOT of natural causes but I digress. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it now.

My grandmother was with me from the time I was born and I was able to be with her for her last breath. Let me tell you all this- death is ugly. It is not this peaceful, beautiful experience. It is earth rattling and plain ugly. I cannot get over her face and the sound she made. It haunts me and will always haunt me.

I am choosing to write this for many reasons. The first of which is a selfish one. This is how I cope. This is how I am able to deal. This is how I dont sink down the rabbit hole again into the dark abyss of sadness. Second I write this for everyone who is grieving.

You are allowed to feel everything that you are feeling.

There is no good or bad way to grieve. You are allowed to cry and you are allowed to be upset. You are allowed to have days where you dont want to leave the house or be in anyone’s company. The only thing to remember is that you have to continue to sprinkle “living” within those sad moments. And by living I mean going out and enjoying things that make you happy and making sure that you continue to go to work etc. You never want your grief to turn into something more mentally devastating.

Grief is a very personaly experience. No one and I mean NO ONE grieves the same way.

I was a little too strong in the hospital room, holding my Vivie’s hand while she passed away. I was too strong at the Wake. I was too strong at the funeral. I was too strong days after. I felt like Vivie took over my body and forced me to be strong because I knew my mother would need it. Even though my grandma and I were ridiculously close, nothing compares to the bond that my mother and she shared. NOTHING!!!!

I am feeling a little tired of being strong. I sit here and fight back tears daily because I have responsibilities. But here on my 34th birthday all I feel is emptiness. And before anyone hits me with the generic statements- yes I know she is in a good place and yes I know she would want me to be happy on my birthday. But guess what, I am not. I want my grandmother back and there is not a gosh darn thing anyone can say to make me feel better. I feel empty without her and I am giving myself permission to feel empty without her. Fighting feelings is not the way to get through my grief. I have to embrace these feelings and ride the wave.

Eventually I wont cry in a dark conference room at work mid-day and eventually I wont tear up at the slight mention of her. But one thing is for sure. I will never, ever be the same. I will always feel that emptiness from losing her physical presence. Always. Nothing and no one can replace that. And that is perfectly ok. I know I will eventually get to a place of deep belly laughs and going a week without crying about her being gone and instead smile because I knew how beautifully she lived.

But right now- I am not there.

And that is ok.

Because losing a loved one sucks. And grief is real, yall.,

Never allow yourself to listen to those who tell you how to feel. Feel it all. Embrace those feelings. Loving someone so much that their death changes you is not unnatural. It does not make you crazy. It makes you human.

So, yeah… Happy Birthday to me.

I miss you Vivie!