Loving Myself

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Ok so…. As I heal and progress on my journey, I am learning far more about myself. Things that I am shocked to even admit because they are opposite of who I thought I was. This journey is all about loving myself.

I don’t want to beat a dead horse speaking on my progress but I also believe that it could help someone else in the position that I was in just a few short months ago and  the really bad place I was in a year ago.

I was the girl who went from relationship to relationship. I was the girl who always had to surround herself with friends. I was the girl who always had to be the center of attention. I didn’t actively try to be in the center but I needed to be seen and known. I was a yes man. I didn’t want to really ruffle any feathers but if the facade was threatened then I would vehemently fight anyone about it. I couldn’t stand someone being mad at me or better yet not liking me. I was very defensive. I would conform to whomever I was enamored with at that particular time. I could/would mold easily and I fooled myself into thinking I was just versatile. Ha. No young lady, you had no sense of self and were seeking it in others. I would look at others behaviors and learn their thoughts to see if it felt right to me enough to adopt it as my own. Yup…. I was LOST!

Since my infamous breakup of last year every single minute of my life has been observing, analyzing and learning my behaviors. It has been questioning myself and why I do certain things. I have always been reckless with my emotions in the sense that I would let them guide me without stopping to think logically. I was a react first, think about it later kinda gal. And it rarely manifested itself in a healthy way.

We always hear about extroverts and introverts. The most common way most would explain it is “extroverts are outgoing and introverts are not”. But honestly that is wrong. I read at least one psychology or self help book a month. I read up on everything from personality disorders to co dependency. I am re learning who I am so I want to be as armed and knowledgeable as possible. For the longest time I really truly thought I was crazy.I was hopeless. I truly believed I had every personality disorder out there. I was borderline, I was histrionic, I even read up on sociopathy because my ex went on and on trying to diagnose me as such. I went to therapist after therapist and 4 out of 5 stated I without a doubt didn’t have any of those. I didn’t harbor enough of the traits to be diagnosed that way and frankly I was normal but with some conditioning that needed to be unlearned. But I knew something was wrong.

My issue with abandonment is the sun to my planet. No matter what situation or relationship, I always went back to being afraid of being left and even more so being left to my own devices- thoughts and feelings. I was so terrified so I always made sure to have a boyfriend or friends around. I always had to be a part of something whatever that may be. I put alot of pressure on myself to be what that person wanted or what I thought they wanted. But like anything, you can only fake for so long before your patterns rear their head- ugly or beautiful. The more pressure I put on myself the more destructive I became. I would push people away so that they did not leave me and then get upset when they actually did leave me. It was a perpetual circle of validating this schema of abandonment issues. I was afraid of something and making sure that I made it a reality. I validated being abandoned and relished in the hurt and the misery.

It was not until last night as I was texting with a good friend that I realized just how far I have come. I am not an extrovert after all because I gain my energy from within now. I absolutely adore being alone. I don’t feel reenergized by outside forces anymore. I mean, I love hanging out with friends and having fun but I don’t need it anymore.

(I am the one who didn’t know how to love myself. This is not about anyone but me, myself, and I)

Romantically-I have not been dating. This is by choice. I just 1) haven’t met anyone truly worth my time, energy and feelings and 2) I just have no want to. Like literally I have not a single want to date. When I say date I don’t just mean getting into a relationship, I don’t even want to hang out with anyone on a romantic level. I am not bitter and I harbor no negative feelings towards the opposite sex, I just am truly happy dating myself for lack of a better term. My friend asked me why I feel so disconnected. I didn’t even have to think about it… It literally felt like at that moment I could see myself clear as day.

I’m not disconnected, I am in fact more connected than I ever have been….. I am deeply connected to MYSELF! Because I have worked so hard to fill the void within myself that I was aimlessly filling with others, I now don’t need a love interest to make me feel whole. I am to the point of being whole all by my lonesome. I am no longer breaking myself down in order to do what I THINK would make me whole. And damn this feels AMAZING!

It is crazy to see what work will do. More importantly it’s crazy sick to see what loving yourself will do. And trust me, it is work. It is work every minute of everyday. It is conditioning your mind to think differently thus allowing you to behave accordingly. I am more cognitive of how my thoughts turn into actions so I make sure to be more logical.

Just 4.5 months ago I was “lovesick” over this dude. Like begging, pleading, losing control lovesick. Straight up pathetic lovesick. I am in no means putting myself down or judging myself, just stating the facts. It took me seeing the “relationship” and him from a logical point of view to see that this was another person I was trying to use to fill what I needed to fill on my own. I still remember the day it happened. I won’t go into details but it was almost like lightning struck me or God literally crawled inside my head and showed me everything. I lost my “want” for him that day and I lost someone who I thought was a friend. But I gained far more.

That day I became Jennifer Jean-Pierre and only got there when I let go of the pain and insecurities of the past. Not pain caused to me by others but pain I was casting on myself. I probably said a million times to myself and out loud that I had forgiven the sins of my fathers but they were words or a mantra that I prayed I would believe. It was when I least expected it that I truly let go and forgave. It may sound so “new agey” of me but when I did that, a light started to radiate within me. I believe that the gaping wounds were being filled with light and something beautiful was going to happen. No joke, soon after this, I started getting positively recognized at work and moving upwards tremendously, my blog became more successful, my family and I grew closer, I was able to cut ties with certain “friends”  and I was able to fully embrace my true friends.

My life is far from perfect but I am living it as perfectly as I ever have.  I embrace and enjoy time alone. I no longer look outwardly for anything. The habits I never thought I could break are now replaced with better patterns of behavior. I just cannot help but want to scream from rooftops because I truly am happy. I see my purpose and I’m living it and it is fricken glorious! The most beautiful trait I believe I now possess is true empathy for others. I used to cut people off with the quickness based off my insecurities. Now I can filter out those who dont align with my growth by being able to “see” them for what they do and not what they say. Because man… I was a master of words and a master of the facade.

So as I always say, if you are ever ready to give up, look to my story. There is probably no thought dark enough that I did not think. There is probably no insecurity as unhealthy as the ones I felt and expressed. I was a mess yall. I was a mess but masquerading as a “got it all together woman”. It took 33 years to get here and I’m so happy for everything that happened to me. The good, the bad and the truly ugly were all good for me. Because sincerely all those tears I dropped, all the cuts I made on my body, all the lies I told to myself and others, all the moments of rage against myself, all those doubts, all those times I degraded myself are nothing compared to this happiness I feel internally NOW!

I am so happy I put myself through hell because it really has helped me experience and relish in what I consider heaven now. And yes I put my own self through hell. I fully live by the quote: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So to me, no one put me through hell without me allowing them to so the onus is very much on me!

So to everyone who tells me that I will date again soon or that I may find the one, that is great and I am not opposed to it but for once in my life, if I don’t, I’m totally cool with it.  I have reconnected with myself and that sometimes is all the homie, lover, friend you need.

Please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. I wrote this on my train ride into work this morning on the WordPress app on my iPhone. In my quest to keep things raw, I am trying not to heavily edit or plan my posts. Thank you all for reading!

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