My Mom Guilt

I’m sitting here typing away on my phone because it’s a distraction from balling my eyes out. Today is my mom guilt day and I don’t know how to deal with it all.

This post is something a bit different. I’m writing it like I would a diary entry with pen. Not allowing myself to delete anything or think too much about it. I want it to be as raw and authentic as my feelings are right now. And right now I’m super frustrated and I am really just down.

I love my daughter more than anything. I love spending time with her and am so grateful for this long maternity leave to do just that. But I also took this extended maternity leave for me as well. I was sick for almost a year. My pregnancy was me in the house all the time because the fear of repeatedly vomiting in public was too much. Plus I was just so fatigued that being in the house was the best for my pregnancy. So in case my hyperemesis continued after pregnancy, I knew a longer maternity leave would be necessary. And to be frank, we didn’t have child care yet. Heck we still don’t but that’s for another post.

Now I feel better and I’m tied to the house. Now I feel better and I really cannot do much for me. Now I feel better and EVERYTIME I ask Jermaine to watch her or feed her or play with her or allow her to nap on him, my mom guilt rears it’s ugly head. Now I feel better and want to spend all this time on my business as well as my family and it’s not always feasible.

I have always been the person who thinks she should be able to do it all. Like I shouldn’t have to ask for help. Like the only thing I should be doing right now is tending to all her needs. Like all I should be focusing on is making sure my husband is happy and all his needs are met.

But my mom guilt really has me thinking and feeling like I am not allowed to have any other tasks outside of my family. But then I get really sad. Because there are so many other things that also bring me joy.

Being creative is my outlet. Creating content or just looking at inspiration on my phone or social media brings me joy. But every day I feel like if I even take a moment for me that I’m taking away from her or even my husband.

Let’s not even start on being married with an infant lol. Yes you have help but you also have another person with needs and wants that you also have to meet. Not as an obligation but because it’s a relationship you want to continue to foster and you never want to have your significant other feel as if they are alone or neglected. It’s a lot. This is also included in my mom guilt. It’s just a lot of guilt.

But where is the guilt that sets in when you don’t meet your own needs and wants. Where is the guilt when you constantly put yourself last. That’s the guilt I need a bit more of in my life because then maybe it would balance everything else out.

Well it’s happened y’all. The tears have just started to flow as I type. I took a few minutes from typing to give Teagan her bottle and Change her diaper. I heard our front door opening and realized J was home. But then I felt my mom guilt again. Because he is such an amazing man and partner that I knew he would take her and tell me to do something for me. But oftentimes it makes me feel worse. Like why oh why can’t I just do it all?!?!? But it also makes me feel bad or apprehensive because I wonder if he is thinking I suck as a mother because I do want time away sometimes from Teags to crank out my stuff.

I fully know that my feelings are not a fact but they are valid. Motherhood may have intensified this in me but it’s always been there. The need and want to do everything and be everything for everyone. But I do feel as if I am drowning a bit right now. On any given day I open my phone and it’s message after message asking something of me and I thrive on being helpful but I guess it’s getting to me because it’s taking away from me. I’m not a great boundary setter.

Doing things for myself feels so selfish. And I’m far from selfish. But more importantly why is being selfish always have a negative connotation. Isn’t it good sometimes to just take for yourself instead of giving it all to everyone else? While I would give any of my friends that advice, it’s hard for me to make it happen in my own life. I should be selfish sometimes but yet have difficulty doing so. I am a living breathing “Do as I say, not as I do”.

Even right now. Yes I’m writing a blog post but I have this running timer in my head that i need to do all sorts of things in under 2 hours so that Jermaine doesn’t have to do everything for Teagan.

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There is always a running timer in my head. I’m on maternity leave and in the house and feel like I need to be going hard with my blog business and my brand. Because once back at work I stand no chance. With over an hour commute and demands at the office, creating Instagram stories or filming cool anything is out of the question. On top of that once I start getting home from work Teagan will need my attention and rightfully so. And then after Teagan gets attention, my husband deserves it too. Once that is all said and done, I will have to go to sleep and start it all over.

This mom guilt stuff is real. But what I see more and more the further I get into this writing is that I put too much on myself. I want to be a full-time mom. A full-time businesswoman (9-5 and my brand), I want to be the perfect wife who is meeting all the needs, and the perfect family member who can be there for everyone. I also want to be a friend who can drop everything to listen and be there. Jermain tells me often that I must get better with prioritizing and he is right. That will have to be a 2020 goal.

But I can’t. So I’m going to have to be ok somehow knowing that I cannot be superwoman. I also need to find a way to be ok with disappointing others. Because I can’t be everything for everyone. I must put selfishness a little ahead right now. Because if I don’t— I will break.

And that won’t be good for anyone.

Thanks for reading about my mom guilt. Let’s chat in the comments about how we as women can break this tiring cycle in our heads.

How to cope with Mom Guilt

First and foremost you have to recognize that it is real and it is here. No matter what we do as women, we will always experience mom guilt. Even stay at home mothers feel it and they are often times with their children all day long.

Second, talk about it. Speak to your partner, significant other, fellow moms,. your best friend or an online forum. Whatever it is, do not keep it bottled up. This post was cathartic for me because I was able to get it out.

Third, do not get so consumed with your family and children that you forget about yourself. Rewrite the script in your head Someone wrote me on Instagram and said: “don’t think of it like you are having your husband watch your baby, instead think of it as giving baby time to bond with Dad”.

p.s. you may wonder why these pics are paired with this blog post.

1) because I like to have my personal style photos with my words. Whatever those worlds are based on how I’m feeling that day. Basically a blog. I guess taking it back to how it used to be

2) because I was happy that day. I took an entire 2 hours to myself and knocked out content. I did feel my mom guilt when I went downstairs because of a minor comment made by my husband but I get it. And that could be it too. I add extra pressure because I don’t want to hear anything that could potentially make me feel like I’m not doing enough for either of them.

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