If you watched my instagram story from this past weekend, you know that I was in such a funk about myself. As transparent as I am on the blog, I am probably far more transparent on that. Why? Because I treat it like daily vlog or diary. It’s your chance to see what I do on a daily basis and to hear my thoughts.
“I have nothing to wear” was the resounding message of my weekend. I said this at least 5 times as I made huge piles of clothing from my efforts to find something cute to wear for a lunch with a new friend. My irritation level with myself was at an all time high.
Let’s be clear. I have a closet full of clothing. Heck in being really honest, I have like 3 closets full of clothing but I still proclaimed and acted like “I have nothing to wear”. Once I stopped and analyzed what that statement meant, I realized it was not a lack of clothing being the issue but the blatant fact that I have gained so much weight that I am not happy with the image reflected back to me in the mirror.
And it aint JUST the extra 40lbs that is causing my meltdown.
It is way deeper than “I Have nothing to wear”.
There is a deep disappointment in myself that has come with the weight gain. While I will NEVER shame myself for gaining weight, I am upset with myself that even though I am not a huge fan of it, I am also not doing anything to change it. I have the best intentions but I do not put action with those intentions. I truly loathe this about myself and that is the trigger to my weekend depression.
Because I practice Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and sometimes Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, I am able to delve deep to understand my triggers for behavior and redirect my thinking. I am also a psychology nut and human behavior fascinates me. I am my own test subject day in and day out so I was able to see that my “I have nothing to wear” and my “I cant fit anything so Im sad” is not about the superficial.
I feel like a failure and I continue to be a failure because I am not trying. I feel like a failure because I am allowing fear to get in my way. I feel like a failure because I stay in my comfort zone instead of shaking things up.
Plain and simple.
Once I get a grip on those, I will succeed.
I know that health is my end game. Being healthy trumps (ohh I hate using that term because of the Man in Office) everything for me. I could be 250lbs but if I feel and am healthy, I would not care.
But I am NOT healthy. I feel sluggish, I eat foods lacking in nutritional value, I don’t stretch, I work out in very far apart spurts, and I spend far too much time sitting. And sitting IS the new smoking.
I know all of this but I’m not changing it. That is bothersome to me because being a failure or feeling like one is not my objective. I strive to be the best Jen that I can be and my lack of action and effort is failing to me. No, I am not a failure, but yes, I am failing myself.
Recently this week I had a few shakeups on the job front. I received a significant boost at work that kept me in my comfort zone. On the other token I did not pursue something else that in the end would have challenged me and probably catapulted me into a new, higher level in my career. That was the cloud following me over the weekend. My mind morphed that cloud and in my head I was just upset about how I looked but in fact I was just upset in how I am living my life. My disgruntled feelings about my “weight gain” is really my disgruntled feelings “about being too comfortable”.
When I share these parts of me, I do so not to have yall “all up in my business” but to teach in one way or another.
My life is not simple. My brain is not simple. But my motivation is simple. I want to inspire and empower while still maintaining some sense of selfishness. Because those of us who really love to give back and love to help others, often lack the self care gene. We are caregivers and do not give enough to ourselves.
So I am learning to balance this. I don’t feel that good about myself if I am not helping others. That is the end all be all for me. But I also know that you cannot pour from an empty cup. And my cup is empty until I learn how to focus on my self and my needs.
So my little lesson:
I stress that everyone spend time analyzing their behaviors and thoughts. If you are really down about something, is it that particular something that is bringing you down or is it multi layered. We often nitpick or are insecure about more than just the physical. I urge everyone to understand just how powerful our minds and emotions are. You can know something and your emotions will make you act in a whole other way.
For me, I attacked my body image instead of instantly recognizing that it is my lack of follow through and my obsessive love of my “comfort zone” that is truly the problem. I am choosing to be stuck in what I know rather than walking towards my destiny and taking a risk. I also am lazy when it comes to changing my body. I lack patience and patience is a necessity in weight loss. So I need to love myself enough to spend the time in changing myself internally and externally.
Thank you all for listening (on insta-stories) and thank you for reading. Per the replies I received on Instagram, it seems I am not alone.
XOXO,
JJP
Follow Along on my thoughts + feelings by following this hashtag on Instagram:
OR should it be #Jentrospection ?
p.s. My “I have nothing to wear” gripe has turned into “I fricken hate my awkward hair phase” now. Send prayers my way that I turn into rapunzel overnight.
All your girl wants is a cute fro that I can braid up or put into a poof. Variety is the spice of life and this TWA is NOT giving it to me! lol
So well written and you are NOT alone!
Author
Thank you so much. I appreciate you reading!
I go through the same. It’s very exhausting. I eat to survive and not to live, my schedule is always jammed packed and I have guilt while eating because I know I should eat healthier. The thought off adding another routine is very draining. But I must face the reality of my choices, you are not alone ❤
Author
Thank you Warlene. I appreciate you. My biggest problem is that I do not eat regularly enough and then when I do eat I eat junk!
You are so not alone! I too have been feeling the same way about my recent weight gain and fully understand the reason for and behind it but am not taking the necessary steps to change it either. That must and will change. Once I begin to see positive results it’s ON! Thank you for being so transparent and again; know that you’re not alone!
Author
Weight gain is tough. But what’s reslly tough is not doing the work. Like I don’t know what is wrong with me lol. I know what I need to do but I’m not doing it.
You are definitely not alone. I juggle a stressful full time job, a one day a week part time job, hubs, kid, and I am 4 weeks away from getting my MBA. I would love to do more and eat better but I’m always on the go so I choose poorly because it’s usually quickest. My focus is to finish something (School first) so I can move one thing off the plate and add another to it.
Thanks for another relatable post! Keep them coming!
p.s. Love your style especially your TWA.
Author
OMG. CONGRATS! You are doing big things and am so proud of you. That’s fantastic! I’m cheering you on from here and please know if you need anything I’m here.
So transparent. Be kind to yourself. Make sure the words that you inspire others with you pour back into self. You can only inspire and love from the overflow that comes from you. Right now you are pouring from a full glass. The full glass is yours and yours alone. It’s what God has gifted you with. The overflow is your gift to others. Make sure you glass stays full. We love you and thank you for responding to the call that is your purpose. Keep going, God’s got you.
Author
Thank you. You always write the most wonderful and inspiring messages. I appreciate you and the time you spent to pour into me. Thank you.
#InJentrospect for sure!
I understand completely. Three months postpartum and it’s time for me to start working out. Crazy thing is that I lost all of my pregnancy weight but what remains just sits different. I’m making excuses why I don’t have the time to exercise but I do. Maybe not every day but at least 3-4 times a week. We can do this Jen!
Author
Thank you so much and CONGRATS again. Yes we CAN do this.
Jen you’re not alone! I use to be the skinny fit girl all my life! I went through 3 bad traumatic events within 6 months and I ballooned 70 lbs. for the past 5 months my identity has been this overweight person who I don’t even know.
People tell me I still look good but when I see the weight on me it just reminds me of why it piled on.
I’m so happy you brought up therapy. What works for me is having my DBT therapist, nutritionist, and PCP work as a team. It’s truly all mental.
You’re self awareness will get you far. Please be careful with labels. You’re not lazy. It’s better saying, you have issues with starting tasks. You see how more room is left when you switch the wording?
🙂
Author
I absolutely LOVE the way you switched the lazy part. I am sincerely going to start doing that. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tears and hugs to you! You are not alone. Last year during the stress of planning my wedding I had zero time to work out, de stress, and take care of myself. My hubby and I had a running joke: “every one in our family is on the Farah and Vlad Wedding diet except Farah and Vlad!” You are my style and body confidence inspiration, so I hope you find your groove back soon!