The Aftermath of Hyperemesis Gravidarum

This post is a hard one to write. Mostly because I have to admit it to myself. Lately, I have been thinking so much about having another baby. But mostly because everywhere I turn, someone is pregnant.

But I can’t.

Not completely physically but absolutely mentally. This is the aftermath of hyperemesis gravidarum.

I was just on Instagram this evening and yet another family who was pregnant around the same time as me is now expecting baby number 2 and I immediately felt disappointed. Well, disappointment mixed with happiness for them.

It’s been a while since I have spoken on my journey with HG and today seems like the perfect time. Suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum doesn’t end when you deliver your baby. It is a condition that lives with you forever whether the condition physically scars you for life or not. I am in a mental prison due to Hyperemesis Gravidarum with no chance of parole.

That makes me very sad.

Seeing Teagan’s joy when she is around babies or around others her age is a reminder that she will technically be an only child. Yes she has siblings and they are so amazing with her but the age difference will always have her feeling as if she is only. I want more for her but I know going through HG again would be beyond difficult for me.

To be honest, I don’t know how I made it through the first time. I often think of those 8 months and am amazed at my strength and also my sanity. Because I truly don’t know how I did it.

I know many will think, “just because you had it once doesn’t mean it will happen again” and yes that’s true, but then chances are SLIM! Those who suffer from HG have a nearly 85% chance of another HG pregnancy and often worse. So it doesn’t look so good to me.

There are other factors that play into my decision to be a one-and-done parent. Although many are having children later in life, I do worry about being an older mother. But more importantly, I worry about my husband being an older father. Having another child right now would mean he would be in his early 60s when our second child graduates from high school. And yes I know age really is nothing but a number but he has been a parent for most of his life (he started early) and I believe he deserves time to chill. And heck so do I.

I also don’t think I could go through a pregnancy stained by emotional, mental, and physical turmoil. There was no part of my pregnancy that I remember with fondness. All the milestone and fun aspects of pregnancy are covered in vomit. Literally. My baby shower, although so beautiful, I remember having to vomit on the way there and twice in the bathroom. Feeling the first kicks did not make me smile. They caused me more nausea. I could go on but I think you get the picture.

But even knowing all of this, I often yearn to have a second child and it is so hard to see everyone around me being pregnant.

So for all of you women out there who cannot have children, who have lost children, or who just have something that makes it difficult, I understand your pain. While I am blessed to have a beautiful daughter, I know that knowing your body just fails you is a burden that we should not have to bear.

I have tears writing this. Tears of disappointment and sadness and also joy. Because next to me on this couch is my little shadow. The little girl that I fought through suicidal ideation, physical pain, and mental distress to bring into this world.

So some of these tears are of complete awe of her. Because she has made me something I never thought I could be and for that, I’ll forever fight for her. But there are also tears of what will not be and for that, I feel a bit like a failure.

To all my HG sisters, we are forever bonded. There is no one that can understand this pain. Thank you all for being incredible support and thank you all for truly being the toughest MOFOs out there. Pregnancy is hard as it is but battling HG on top of everything pregnancy-related means we are BAD ASSES.

I proudly wear the bad-ass badge at least.