This will be either a transparent, thought-provoking post or be a bunch of words strung together that comes out as just pure complaint without substance..
We shall see what happens as I write.
In the end, this is what is happening with me…..: I’m not feeling confident anymore.
April-June of this year I was unstoppable! Heck even before then. I was feeling so proud all the time and felt beautiful all the time. Fashion was fun and I was shopping left and right because I loved the state of my body. Fast forward a few months and all of that seems to have vanished into thin air and I don’t like it. I sit here and wonder what the heck happened but we all know what it is. My own laziness and complacency.
I have never been one to fake the funk. Hence you probably have not seen my “let’s shout it from the rooftops, love your body” posts. Lately my mind has not liked the reflection in the mirror. The crazy thing with me is that I am still dressing my ass off and taking photos. I am still going out. Hell, I still went and had a pool day date with a fellow mom and beautifully thin new friend.
It’s not that it’s affecting my day-to-day life but I know that without stopping to figure out the true root of it all, it may start and I really want to be confident again. I am a huge proponent of therapy, psychology and really delving deep to fully understand the human brain. There are always deeper reasons for things that may seem so simple.
2018-2019, I wanted to lose a lot of weight. Some of it for vanity reasons and many because I felt sick. My biometric screenings were fine– no medical issues but functionally I was severely struggling. It hurt to bend down and tie my shoes. Stairs were the literal devil. Playing football was tough because I could barely chase anyone down. I felt bigger than I am but could not stop eating.
Then I got pregnant and yall know THAT story. And if you are new here and don’t know it, you can read all about my pregnancy journey or even watch the vlog about it here or even here.
In an extremely delusional way, I thought God may have been trying to help me. I couldn’t didn’t lose the weight on my own so that happened. I know that is not how it works but once I delivered my happy, beautiful and healthy baby girl, I vowed I would not gain all the weight back. Fast forward 20 months and I am only 15lbs away from the weight that really set me back. To add insult to injury, my fat is distributed differently than pre-pregnancy and I am actually getting stretch marks. Everywhere.
And I feel all of the disappointment, shame, and physical limitations that I never wanted to feel again. But mostly it is the disappointment in myself. Before anyone speaks of the pandemic– I went the whole year of the pandemic only gaining 12 lbs. That weight was healthy to gain and just normal after my horrendous pregnancy.
Now I am nearly 210 and I’m so angry at myself. Clothes don’t fit as well and my tummy protrudes far past my boobs. My thighs rub so fiercely that biker shorts are a must whenever I am wearing dresses. Shorts, unless long are a no-go. It is UNCOMFORTABLE! I am also VERY angry that my confidence is not the same. When I was 225lbs, my confidence rarely wavered. But now, it is leaving me and I know a mindset and life change is needed. Last month, I asked my friend Dayna to be my accountability partner for working out. I shared my apple watch info with her and she could see my workouts. She challenged me to try for 30 workouts in 30 days for 30 minutes a day. I was gung-ho as heck.
I managed 16 workouts in 30 days and was proud of it because prior I was only achieving like 5 in thirty days. I probably would have hit 22 if I had not hurt my knee. But even with the increase in fitness, the scale did not budge. So what do you think that did?
Yup, felt worse and even less confident. Even though I know very well that the scale can lie. I needed that number to move. So I switched to looking at another number- inches. AHA! I had lost a few inches so that energized me. I was motivated to keep going but yes, an injury sidelined me. It wasn’t until yesterday, I was talking to my friend Shauniece and she said to do some water workouts. Get in the pool etc. And all I kept thinking was DUH! I should have thought of that.
But this is where I know my lack of confidence and my distressed body image is deeper than just not feeling confident. I am tired. I am truly tired. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart and motherhood while juggling work, hobbies, marriage, family responsibilities, and internal pressures is like carrying a backpack with boulders in it up a wet hill in heels. It is challenging as all heck.
Fatigue is playing a huge role in why I feel this way but of course, it’s multi-layered. Where I am now is due to a lack of preparation and discipline on my part. Yeah, not feeling confident is because of this. Hear me out.
I have never had discipline, be truly responsible, and I never had to honestly work at much. If I had to work at it, I usually did not do it. Sports came semi-naturally to me. Learning subjects and taking tests was easy. Making friends or dating was never a struggle. I just kinda had it easy. My body was naturally toned and well I ate poorly and kept it moving.
But that ish no longer flies. Not just the eating part but ALL of it. Motherhood and/or adulting do require some level of discipline and planning. Because we can get pulled in so many directions, it’s imperative that I do things even when I don’t feel like it. Feelings cannot always lead me. I must be as committed to myself as I am to others.
Here is a perfect example of this:
Every morning I make sure that Teagan’s teeth are brushed, she is clean and dressed, eats breakfast, does speech therapy etc but I don’t take the time to do it for myself– ever! I cut up her fruit but don’t think to cut some more and make myself a smoothie instead of going without breakfast. It is a chore for me to do it for myself but an honor to do it for her. This NEEDS to change because just like the flight attendants instruct– make sure to secure your masks before helping others.
I am truly sad about all of this.
I have been saving everyone else but leaving my own self to perish in many ways. And let me tell you something… it isn’t beautiful to do for others but abandon the most important of God’s creations– yourself.
You may wonder how this all makes me lose my confidence and it boils down to this…
I have not stopped to love and honor myself and I am drowning in my laziness privilege. Yes — lazy. I work but I never had to work for much so when I have to, I give up. Because deep down I know this, I am ashamed of myself and I am disappointed in my behavior. It’s like I don’t even want to face myself because I know what I have to do and choose not to and I stay in this vicious cycle. Then I silently shame myself into thinking somehow I am failing as a parent and wife. So this just plays into why I don’t feel confident.
You see not only do I forsake myself physically, but I also just butcher myself mentally.
So now it’s time to unlearn these behaviors and re-train my brain.
If you have lasted this long, thank you for reading and I hope this helps you with anything you may be struggling with or if you don’t feel confident in something. In the end, all you really have is yourself and you MUST take that seriously. If you believe in God, then remember you are God’s creation and you should value that in itself and do all you can to honor it.
If you stopped reading– well then you don’t see this hahaha.
Till next time.
You put my emotions in all of this!! Im turning 40 in two years and want that wow slim down..but i know i have to make the changes now!!!with two kids..husband..knee injury and love of burgers, french fries and wine..it all does not help!! Like u said why not prepare the same foods we prepare for our kids!! Good luck on your journey.. definitely need the motivation.
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It is so hard sis. I love the same. I also LOVE clean eating and veggies etc. But the laziness has me paralyzed at times. Things have to change
Hey Sis! This is Debbie (brbuddy1219). I feel your pain. That self-discipline is hard. All the roles that we play in life makes it even harder. Now that we know what we are up against, we have to get hard on ourselves to reach out goals. I guess I boils down to how bad so we really want it?
Excuse the typos I’m multitasking LOL
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you are ABSOLUTELY right… how bad do we want it
I felt this a lot more than I thought I would. Whew. It’s SO hard to put yourself first once you have a kid, and so hard to appreciate the changing body that carried life – especially when carrying that life was precarious by itself. Thank you for putting words to feelings many of us are feeling.
Oh this resonated with me sooo deeply. I said many of these sentiments this week—it’s as if I let myself go after having this second baby and I feel paralyzed. I completely understand these feelings of shame and disappointment. Keep trudging, sis and also give yourself a little grace (preaching to the choir). You got this. 🖤
Oh Jen I feel you! We wear so many hats and wonder if we are giving 100% in all of them. We need to recognize we are doing the best we can at that moment. We have to learn to give ourselves grace. Would we be much further if we had systems in place, were disciplined and consistent? Absolutely but we have to also look at what we have made it through and that we can make it through the next test. Take it a dayat a time and refocus for yourself. We all can win. Stay blessed lady!…..@applemacg
Life is overwhelming. Period. Stop. We want so desperately to be able to do everything for everyone at all times. We are programmed in this country to think that if we just try a little bit harder, we can have the sun, the moon and the stars — all at once, but you know what? That’s not how it works. We are finite beings with finite capacity and finite abilities and finite vision. What we can strive for is balance but not perfection because, well, we are imperfect beings who cannot predict the future. We can’t even predict the very next moment. So what can we do? We can begin with today, this moment, this space and do our very best in this moment and in this space. Reflecting on the overall picture is needed and to be congratulated, however the overall picture is only changed by small, daily adjustments. To sit in the muck and mire of the overall, when it is so very very hard, is painful and sometimes counter-productive. Rather, can we sit and process it (whenever we need to), set it back into its box labeled “My Life Now”, put it up on the shelf and proceed to focus on what we can do now, today? As disappointed as you may feel, can you look at today and ask yourself what you can do today? Is it a walk in the evening? Is it a swim? Is it 30m of tennis? Is it some extra strawberries for fruit and veggies in the form of a smoothie? Is it drinking 4 bottles of water? Is it allowing yourself to sleep because when we don’t sleep, we cannot lose the weight we want? What, JJP, can you do in the moment, in the today, in the now? Let’s start and stay there. Hugs!
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Thank you so much Akua. I miss you