It’s past midnight on a Monday night and I should be sleeping. But I’m a mom which means this is my “me time”. Me time I will pay for in a few short hours when I have to be “on” for everyone in my life but fatigued from lack of adequate sleep hours.
Yeah, fun huh? This is what I call mom brain.
Teagan is sleeping next to me and has her arms and legs wrapped around me and somehow I’m managing to type this in the notes section of my phone. The room is dark minus the light glowing from my phone screen and Im typing as fast as I can. Why am I doing this? Well, because if I don’t write it ASAP, I will forget and I really want to get my feelings out on paper. The digital version of course.
Sleeping has been hard lately because my brain doesn’t stop. Yeah, that mom brain. Not the mom brain we hear of but this mom brain of thinking of anything and everything that needs to be done. Between my 9-5 job, blog work, being a mom to 3 kids total but only 1 full time, and other responsibilities, has my mental to-do list never-ending. Like it truly doesn’t. Right now I’m thinking of what to do about buying a house. Should I try to go full-time blogger? Why was that brand so mean to me? Wait, why is Instagram not pushing out my content anymore? You know all that jazz. Then to top it off there are the family and mom mental lists that weigh me down.
Teagan went to sleep really late. Just like the night before. Why? Because her bedtime routine was gonna cut into my time to get a few things done. Things that I just had to do. Yes, you are probably thinking, well where is your husband? He was here. But Teagan associates sleep time with me. And sometimes I don’t feel like he has the patience to comfort her even if she cries and gets her to sleep. Also because he will fall asleep before her and she will just use that opportunity to take off looking for me as she has done previous times.
If I would have left and she had no other choice, then maybe she would sleep with him but overall, I am part of the sleep routine she has created for herself. Typically it doesn’t bother me because I know it won’t last forever and it is a real honor to be her safe place. My daughter is comforted and feels safe next to me so how can I not offer her that.
This is what I remind myself of on the days that I feel annoyed by it. And please don’t think I am one of those moms that don’t feel annoyed by it. I’m human before anything else.
But when she goes to sleep really late because I was not quite ready it makes me feel bad. Questions like “is she sleeping enough” “how will she act tomorrow now” and more start circling my mind and rent permanent space in my head. So then my mom brain starts being even more clouded and crowded.
ahhhhhh motherhood and my perpetual state of turmoil.
To be honest, all my guilt, shame, fear, and anxiety about life and motherhood is in my head and probably “in my head”.
To the moms reading this you know that I mean. To the women who one day want or will be moms, please don’t read this and think “oh this wont be me”. Cause in one way or another it will be. Unless you just don’t give a crud about being an active mom hahaha.
At the end of the day, I’m just doing the best I can with what I have. Some days I’m a rock star mom and sometimes I suck. But every single day I try and that’s what I’m proud of.
While not all motherhood looks the same, we all have similarities and the biggest one is this:
“We put way too much unnecessary pressure on ourselves”
Outfit Details
Top: https://bit.ly/3zDeE5Y | Jeans (sold out): https://bit.ly/3jycAGS [similar] | Teagan’s shoes: https://bit.ly/3w3K6I2
