The Invitation I did not get

I’m just going to say it.

There was a season (or 50) where I kept asking myself, “Why wasn’t I invited?”

Not out loud. Not dramatically (well not outloud dramtaically). Just in my head. While unloading the dishwasher. While scrolling Instagram. While picking up my daughter from school and noticing who was standing in which circle.

And listen, I’m grown. I have a husband. Kids. A job. A full life. I am not new to the world.

But motherhood has a funny way of reopening that middle-school part of your brain you swore was healed. The part that wants to belong without having to audition.

Recently, I heard about a personal essay by Ashley Tisdale about mom groups and belonging, and whew. I didn’t agree with a lot she had to say because I didn’t see the toxicity but adult friendships seems to be all the talk. While this is about mom and small school communities, we aren’t going into toxicity zone but you are more than welcome to share your experiences in the comment section.

Let’s begin though…

Florida is not DC. Or New York. Or even Michigan in the way I knew it. In bigger cities, diversity isn’t a talking point. It’s just life. You expect difference. You don’t scan rooms counting who’s missing. Well, not all rooms cause the creator industry is another beast. But I digress, back to the topic. Small schools are different though. Even in more diverse areas and small schools without much diversity are VERY different.

And before anyone gets defensive, hold your horses! This isn’t an accusation just an observation. There’s a difference. Mmmk.

In small school communities, patterns get loud. You notice who naturally clusters with whom. White parents with white parents. Black parents with Black parents (if there are enough of us to form a group). The moms who all look alike, dress alike, vacation alike, group-chat alike. You know what I mean. That’s not always intentional. That’s sociology. Humans seek familiarity. Comfort. Shared references. Opposites can attract but do they stick together in friendships…. only time tells.

But when you’re on the outside of those familiar circles, it can feel personal even when it’s not.

Especially when there are group chats. Plural.

There’s the main one. The other one. And the “we met at drop-off and accidentally formed a sisterhood” one. and then it floods your social media and you see it at every field trip etc. You don’t find out they exist because someone announces them. You find out because someone casually says, “Oh yeah, we talked about that in the chat.” Hahaha. I have heard that one far too much.

Now add this layer: my husband works at the school. So I’m not just a mom. I’m adjacent to staff. Which creates this invisible line of friendly, but careful. Present, but not fully inside. And again, this isn’t blame. It’s context.

For a while, I internalized it. I wondered if I was too different. Too into fashion. Too much of a presence on social media. Too vocal. Not enough. Whatever it is.

Then one day, I got tired. Not bitter tired. Just… clear. And that day is today when I decided to write it all down.

Here’s the truth that set me free: not being invited doesn’t always mean you’re unwanted. Sometimes it just means you’re not mirrored. And that’s hard for women. Especially moms. Because we’re sold this idea that community should look like coffee dates, matching outfits at school events, and group texts buzzing all day. you know the village. The whole moms of tiktok or whatever its called.

But real life isn’t always that curated. Actually its rarely. We create the curation in our heads sometimes when we are on the outside.

Here’s the part no one says out loud: some groups are formed out of convenience, not connection. Same schedules. Same drop-off time. Same history. Same comfort. That doesn’t make them exclusionary people. It just means… it might not be your place.

I had to grieve the village I thought I was supposed to have here when it came to the school community. And then ask a better question: What if my belonging doesn’t come from being invited but from choosing where I give my energy? And baby… that is when things are going to shift.

I’m starting to builf my life sideways if that makes sense. LEt me explain…

Friends outside the school. Community that looks different. Conversations that don’t revolve around PTA logistics. Relationships that don’t require me to shrink or explain myself.

If you’re a mom reading this and you’ve felt that quiet “Why not me?”—I see you.

You’re not broken. You’re not invisible. You’re not failing. You’re navigating social systems that were never designed with everyone in mind. Belonging doesn’t always come from being folded into existing circles. Sometimes it comes from realizing you don’t actually want to sit there anyway.

I’m still kind. Still friendly. Still present. But I’m no longer measuring my worth by invitations I didn’t receive. I am building the life I want and deserve. And best believe teaching my daughter that her value isn’t determined by who includes her. And yes I have noticed a correlation between the welcoming kids and the welcoming parents if you know what I mean 🙂

Ive been writing alot about belonging because it has been the theme of my life and I did not even know it. I never realized how much it shaped me and you cannot make changes if you do not understand why you do rthe things you do. So as I gain new experiences, I share them.

Because I KNOW, I am helping others out there by talking about it. Even if one person, speaking about it is a DAMN SUCCESS!

Thank you for reading and I look forward to continuing this journey of resetting with you. Speaking of reset…. I have a REALLY good product coming out about Style, Confidence and Identity. Follow me on social media or sign up for my newsletter to ensure you do not miss it launch!

Love ya, talk soon!